Fate Vs. Nursing School

I'm not a hugely superstitious person nor am I hugely religous.

But sometimes I wonder just what the heck is going on ever since I started nursing school.

You see, school was going great up until nursing school. I was making A's, working 30-36 hrs a week, paying all my bills, spending time with friends and so on.

Then nursing school happened

and the bad stuff started.

Exhibit 1: First Semester

There are so many things that happened first semester. I think the first thing was that I had a horrible home situation. I basically had to stay in my room at all times, and even got yelled at for drinking too much milk. Then, I was homeless for a short time. The first major thing that happened was that the radiator went out in my car. I already had cut down my hours to about 15 a week at work so I was freaking out! Cody, the amazing man that he is, got me a ride to work and then drove my car to the mechanic, one mile at a time. The car kept overheating so he had to stop the car and let it cool down (which took about 30 minutes) and then drive another mile and repeat. 

We hadn't been together long, but he was without his car, so he was basically staying at my house and we were stuck with just my car and kind of sharing. 

Then, my mom had to get her hip replaced. First, I was told I was a bad person because I didn't sit in the waiting room at 4am to wait on her surgery. My mom had told me not to because it was my only day to sleep in and I was exhausted and neither of us saw the point in me sitting in the waiting room. So, I went up there later that day. I got yelled at by my grandfather because my grandma had hurt her foot while she was at the hospital waiting on my mom and apparently I had been signed up to take her car home, which is not something I knew. Sure glad that Cody was there to drive my car!

A patho test was the next week and I didn't do so great on it, because I had spent all weekend in the hospital with my mom, who was kind of manic at the time. Oh, and moving stuff out of my house because I was kind of told not to come home.

Then, later that semester, I got into a wreck that totaled my car. This was huge. That same weekend, I moved into Cody's (Thank god he was there and offered because I was going to end up living out of a hotel room) and a test was the next week. I didn't do so great on that one either.

Fast forward a bit

Exhibit 2: Second Semester

Second semester was a spring semester, so just after Christmas. Cody had proposed (YAY!) and my family basically told us we were idiots for getting married. Woot.

Classes were a struggle and my friends were majorly hurting my feelings, one in particular.

My brother was living with my mom and my mom would call me complaining about him not going to school or this or that and I'd rush over to help. This finally caused me and my mom to have a fight.

I had a nervous breakdown at a couple of points.

Fast forward to today.

Exhibit 3: Third semester

Things are finally calm. I wrote off all the friends that I was being hurt by, which left me kind of alone as far as friends go but better alone than being treated horribly right?

I'm married and happy with Cody and we're struggling financially more than ever. His car has already had to have the transmission replaced and has a couple of more thousand in repairs before it's fully drive-able. 

Then, that wreck I talked about earlier? It's coming to bite me in the butt and it's leaving me in a tailspin.

I know that sometimes, life just seems to suck. The fact is, each semester I talked about, there are a thousand other little things that have brought me down. I have been shaken more than ever and questioning my decisions more than I ever thought I would. I've looked into dropping out, transferring schools and changing my major. 

I've been driving down the road on the way home from tests begging God for a sign that I'm meant to be a nurse (because for some reason, I talk to God a lot when I drive). That I'm on the path I'm meant to be on and have been left with crickets. 

I've told the devil to leave me alone. I've questioned everything and have had no answers at all. 

I honestly don't know if I'm meant to be a nurse. For every good day, there seems to be about five bad days and I'm getting to the end of my rope. I have to finish. If I stopped or switched now, I'd have to start all over and that just isn't an option. 

All I want is to have a happy life with my husband, with as few upsets as possible. I'd like to own our own house and have a couple of kids and raise them to have lives that Cody and I never got to have because of mistakes our families had made. 

Most of all though, I just want to be left alone to study and to enjoy my twenties because at this point, I'm going to look back and say that it was the most stressful time in my life.

(It does seem ironic that later this week, I will post about the first delivery I witnessed in the hospital, which happened before I wrote this post. Sometimes, I feel like it's more important for you to know my deeper thoughts.)


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